Never Ending

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A lot has been happening in our house without me being fully aware. Change happens like that sometimes, you know it will come at some point, but its actual arrival can sneak up on you and take you by surprise and leave you reflecting in its wake.

My baby is to turn One soon. A whole year of being. Her personality and character are now shining through and she’s trying to walk. Perfecting her cruising ability walking along our furniture I can see it is only a matter of weeks before she takes her first steps unaided.

On her first birthday I will move her on to Whole Cow’s milk, as we are advised and like her eldest sister was. I will give it to her in a beaker just like her sister has. No more formula, no more cleaning bottles or teats.

I am thrilled and sad in equal measure at this new milestone. No more baby, baby.

It wasn’t lost on me when i opened the very last formula milk packet for her yesterday that the chances are I will never open another one again, for my own babies at least. It is unlikely we will try to have another baby, although never say never is my official line.

In addition this week my two and almost half-year old began her ascent through the nursery ranks leaving the Baby Unit behind. Now confidently talking, toilet trained and full of her own ideas and mischief she is resembling less of a baby and more of a little girl. She arrived at her new class wearing a pretty new dress and her hair neatly done. She looked so grown up.

I often treat my toddler as a baby still and my baby as a virtual newborn. I’m with them all day most days and i often miss their growing before my eyes, until its long gone or i can’t work out why their clothes no longer fit, or when i look back over old photographs. Only then do i really see it.

The mind plays tricks. No one wants their babies to stop being their babies, i could see this on my Facebook newsfeed this week with fellow Mums sharing pictures of their ‘babies’ starting school, or going into a bigger class or high school, they all marvelled at how quickly the time had flown.

Endings and with that ultimately comes a new beginning are always emotional and sometimes painful. I wasn’t aware how much so until a conversation with a friend of mine last week who is studying to become a counsellor when she told me in Counselling circles ‘endings’ are big deal and are worked on, a lot, particularly the ending of counselling relationship. It is built up to so the ending is prepared for when it eventually comes.

She explained how she has been taught that a lot of people have major issues with change and things ending. For someone who LOVES change, and the new exciting chapter, phase or project to unfold i can’t relate to this. I don’t dislike endings, as i love new beginnings.

Or so i thought. I am one of those annoying people who tend to dwell in the past. I tend to over think and over analyse. It’s painful at times and keeps me awake at night. And for the first time since having this conversation i think i have worked out why. My denial of endings. My rush to move into the new leaves me never having closure or having to deal with an ending. It’s just easier that way.

So rather than bury my head in the sand i am preparing myself for the day my baby turns one, and rather than immerse myself just in the celebrations I am going to bring to a close her first year knowing it’s ok to feel sad about her not being a baby anymore, although she will always be my baby, that is never ending.

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